I realized that I was same-sex attracted when I was about 13, but I did not know the term SSA back then. I looked at porn magazines and later when I was in my 20’s I viewed porn videos and went to a local xxx rated bookstore and movie house.
I got saved when I was 14 and lived a Christian life. Since I became a Christian I prayed for the Lord to take away my attractions to guys, but that never happened. I was expecting the Lord to instantly just take away those desires.
I told my parents that I thought I was gay when I was 23, but at that time I had not acted out on those attractions, so they said they did not think I was gay because I had not had sex with a man. I was supposed to talk with my pastor during that time, but I was too afraid to talk to him or anyone else. I eventually did talk to my Mom’s psychiatrist, but he did not know how to help me. We never talked about it again after that, which was 1982.
My mom passed away in 2002 and my Dad remarried in 2003. My stepmom passed away in November 2015. It wasn’t until October 2016 that I told my Dad that I still deal with unwanted SSA.
I started acting out when I was about 25 or 26. I had mostly anonymous encounters at a local bookstore and movie house.
I acted out during the first 23 years of my marriage and then on January 21, 2013 I confessed the adultery and the SSA to my wife under the stress of having kept my secret for decades. I contacted one of the pastors at church who referred me to Focus on the Family, which eventually led me to Daniel Mingo and Abba’s Delight. My wife and I met with Daniel after which I joined the Overcomers support group and began lay counseling with Daniel. My wife and I counseled with a pastor for about a year. My wife attended the Abba’s Delight Family & Friends support for a time, but later decided to stop.
My wife and I both attended the Hope For Wholeness (HFW) Conference 2015, which was a miracle provision from the Lord. I will tell you the story about that at another time.
The two years following my confession to my wife were quite rough-going. I lived with the possibility hanging over my head that my wife would divorce me at any minute. Then my wife had a vision during communion at the conference. She saw me lying on a rock sobbing because she had divorced me. She saw herself standing in front of a house with a white picket fence and a neatly manicured yard. The Lord told her that she could divorce me, that she would have what she saw in the vision, and would have peace and joy. But the Lord also told her if she stayed with me she would have fulfillment, ministry, and chaos, which He said she would not have if she divorced me. We were not sure exactly where the chaos fit in. She made the decision that night to stay with me, having previously gone back and forth whether or not she was going to divorce me. We also attended the 2016 HFW Conference.
We are currently just taking life one day at a time. I still have same sex attractions, but I have not acted out nor looked at porn in many years. My wife has gone thru all of the stages of grief that they say one goes through with a situation like this. She is gradually healing with counseling over time.